Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Indian TV Serials And Their Unusual Ways Of Doing What They Do...

I was sitting one day in front of the TV, (like always)... flipping through channels (like always again)... and came to a pause on the channel Star Plus .. (my first biggest mistake).. and began to watch.. (my second biggest mistake)... and then as I was watching, I kind of felt like there was hardly any story to what was exactly happening.. Of-course these serials are going on even since before the Cold War began, but I tried to comprehend what was happening nevertheless... (and thus the torture began) ...
Even though till date I'm never able to understand head or tail of it, I managed to see some really retarded scenes...

It's astonishing the amount of tears an actor can get in the serials... Nearly every second scene has a person crying... I mean who the hell is sitting below chopping onions below them!? and if not onions, then what do they put anyway?! ... I think they lock them up in a room and play Rebecca Black's FRIDAY throughout the time... that's the only explanation to the amount of tears...

Secondly... What's up with having the camera man merry-go-round the actor at 100rpm?! In many of the scenes, the actor will be in the center and the camera will be circling the actor not less then 10 times before switching to circle the opposing actor... Well, they better have provided sick bags for the camera crew...

And not to mention, the most cutting edge technology in visual effects.... You'd see a  picture of the actor, turn red, green, pink, blue, and what not.., all flashing and giving a jumpy effect.... like the camera man's bouncing up and down.... they really have no motion sickness as I can tell.. If a 3D version were ever to be made of these scenes, people would be crawling their way out of the theater..., begging for mercy.. (that's not quite far from what I did after watching the show)...

And then having those 10 minute stills which have eye contact with the other characters and not blinking and standing like statues till the commercials come..... ...  What The Hell!? Are they trying to prove even a fly on their eye lash cant stop them from blinking!? I know! Show them the numbers of current MySpace visitors that should make them blink!

And now, their trademark 'Back From The Dead' scenes... These people don't seem to get enough out of one actor even after they work him to his death... Therefore, we bring him back! Yeah, never heard the phrase 'Man Plays God' like this...! They'd get the person killed some how, and bring him back to life..! No matter even if the guy was shot 20 times on either side of the body, burnt in a furnace and finally chopped to pieces and dumped in the sea... You'd think such a person would have already passed Saint Peter but no..! He's very much on set.... Ready to pop up in any scene in a complete suit and stunning looks... not a scratch visible.. Yea, he's got double the power than Chuck Norris...
And they'd give some heroic scene of how he escaped, wounded, bleeding, or how the love of his life kept calling him back and blah blah etc etc.... yea.. I got bored by then... So I switched the channel... .. .. (finally!) .. to Colors TV ... (WTF) .. .. .. and then, .....  .. .

                                                   ... ...... ... . .And then I passed out... .... ... ..

Sunday, 3 July 2011


10 classic Indianisms: 'Doing the needful' and more

We are a unique species, aren’t we? Not humans. Indians, I mean. No other race speaks or spells like we do.
Take greetings for example.
A friendly clerk asking me for my name is apt to start a conversation with, “What is your good name?” As if I hold that sort of information close to my heart and only divulge my evil pseudonym. Bizarre.
I call these Indianisms.
Which got me thinking about a compilation, a greatest hits of the 10 most hilarious Indianisms out there. And here they are. The most common ones, and my favorites among them.

1. 'Passing out'

When you complete your studies at an educational institution, you graduate from that institution.
You do not "pass out" from that institution.
To "pass out" refers to losing consciousness, like after you get too drunk, though I’m not sure how we managed to connect graduating and intoxication.
Oh wait … of course, poor grades throughout the year could lead to a sudden elation on hearing you’ve passed all of your exams, which could lead to you actually "passing out," but this is rare at best.

2. 'Kindly revert'

One common mistake we make is using the word revert to mean reply or respond.
Revert means "to return to a former state."
I can’t help thinking of a sarcastic answer every time this comes up.
“Please revert at the earliest.”
“Sure, I’ll set my biological clock to regress evolutionarily to my original primitive hydrocarbon state at 1 p.m. today."

3. 'Years back'

If it happened in the past, it happened years ago, not "years back."
Given how common this phrase is, I’m guessing the first person who switched "ago" for "back" probably did it years back. See what I mean?
And speaking of "back," asking someone to use the backside entrance sounds so wrong.
“So when did you buy this car?”
“Oh, years back.”
“Cool, can you open the backside? I’d like to get a load in.”

4. 'Doing the needful'

Try to avoid using the phrase "do the needful." It went out of style decades ago, about the time the British left.
Using it today indicates you are a dinosaur, a dinosaur with bad grammar.
You may use the phrase humorously, to poke fun at such archaic speech, or other dinosaurs.
“Will you do the needful?”
“Of course, and I’ll send you a telegram to let you know it's done too.”

5. 'Discuss about'

“What shall we discuss about today?”
“Let’s discuss about politics. We need a fault-ridden topic to mirror our bad grammar.”
You don't "discuss about" something; you just discuss things.
The word "discuss" means to "talk about". There is no reason to insert the word "about" after "discuss."
That would be like saying "talk about about." Which "brings about" me to my next peeve.

6. 'Order for'

"Hey, let’s order for a pizza."
"Sure, and why not raid a library while we’re about it.”
When you order something, you "order" it, you do not "order for" it.
Who knows when or why we began placing random prepositions after verbs?
Perhaps somewhere in our history someone lost a little faith in the "doing" word and added "for" to make sure 
their order would reach them. They must have been pretty hungry.

7. 'Do one thing'

When someone approaches you with a query, and your reply begins with the phrase "do one thing," you're doing it wrong.
"Do one thing" is a phrase that does not make sense.
It is an Indianism. It is only understood in India. It is not proper English. It is irritating.
There are better ways to begin a reply. And worst of all, any person who starts a sentence with "do one thing" invariably ends up giving you at least five things to do.
“My computer keeps getting hung.”
“Do one thing. Clear your history. Delete your cookies. Defrag your hardrive. Run a virus check. Restart your computer... .”

8. 'Out of station'

“Sorry I can’t talk right now, I’m out of station.”
“What a coincidence, Vijay, I’m in a station right now.”
Another blast from the past, this one, and also, extremely outdated.
What's wrong with "out of town" or "not in Mumbai" or my favorite "I'm not here"?

9. The big sleep

"I’m going to bed now, sleep is coming."
"OK, say hi to it for me."
While a fan of anthropomorphism, I do have my limits. "Sleep is coming" is taking things a bit too far.
Your life isn’t a poem. You don’t have to give body cycles their own personalities.

10. 'Prepone'

“Let’s prepone the meeting from 11 a.m. to 10 a.m.”
Because the opposite of postpone just has to be prepone, right?
"Prepone" is probably the most famous Indianism of all time; one that I’m proud of, and that I actually support as a new entry to all English dictionaries.
Because it makes sense. Because it fills a gap. Because we need it. We’re Indians, damn it. Students of chaos theory.
We don’t have the time to say silly things like "could you please bring the meeting forward."

Prepone it is.

There are many more pure grammatical "gems" in what we call Indian English. Perhaps in time I’ll list some more. And perhaps in the near future, we’ll get better at English.

I received the above text in an email that was forwarded to me by a friend of mine.. I thought this was informative and so I put it up! Just stating that I'm not the original author of the above text. 

Friday, 1 July 2011


I was wondering the other day.. How would it be if,

The Wright brothers had acrophobia ... fear of heights...
If a lift man had claustrophobia... .. fear of closed places...
If a pest control guy had acarophobia... fear of insects that cause itching...
If your house-keeper had amathophobia... fear of dust...
If a airport control tower guy had anablephobia ... fear of looking up...
If your teacher for your positive thinking lecture had triskaidekaphobia... fear of the number 13...
If your new born baby had ambulophobia ... fear of walking..
If your gardener had anthrophobia ... fear of flowers...
If your fire-fighter had arsonphobia ... fear of fire..
If your hypnotist had ophthalmophobia... fear of being stared at...
If Stephen Hawkings had astrophobia... fear of stars or celestial space..
If your paramedic had hematophobia ... fear of blood...
If Osama Bin Laden had hoplophobia.... fear of firearms..
If your tour guide had xenophobia... fear of strangers or foreigners
If your landlord had orthophobia .. fear of property..
If your driving teacher had amaxophobia .. fear of riding in a car...
If your mechanic had ochophobia ... fear of vehicles...
If a stand up comedian had gelotophobia ... fear of being laughed at..
If Albert Einstein had gnosiophobia .. fear of knowledge..
If your lawyer had dikephobia ... fear of justice...
If your barber had chaetophobia ... fear of hair..
If Santa Clause had chionophobia ... fear of snow..
If the Miss Universe judge had caligynephobia ... fear of beautiful women..
If Sir Isaac Newton had barophobia... fear of gravity..
If Dr. Phill had allodoxaphobia .. fear of opinions..
If Bill Gates had technophobia .. fear of technology..


The names of all these phobias were found from the website .. And if you have anymore you can think of, post them here too! :D